My Year of Change, Season of Becoming

This year, I had a break-up, moved into my own place, shifted jobs, hosted events, visualized the future of my career, thought I might be going on a reality TV show (more on this later, lol!) started a passion project, made new friends, traveled, started dating, cried a lot, laughed a lot, and learned to love myself even more. It feels like I’ve lived 5 years in one, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am so proud of the struggle I’ve overcome and the growth it’s led to. I’m excited to open up to you about more of it and share the main takeaways I’ve learned along my journey to ultimate self-love.

If you asked me last year where I saw myself in a year, I would’ve been clueless. This time last year, I was at such an extreme crossroads in my life. I was in a relationship I knew was on its way out, truthfully crying at work and finding it hard to focus. I knew I loved Bun Undone, but I had no idea how this platform would grow aside from the obvious vanity metrics. Those numbers had higher power over my self-worth then. Any dreams I had just seemed really far out of reach. My true passions and purpose were just ideas floating in the universe that hadn’t made their way to me yet, and I believe that’s because so much of my life was just lost. Disclaimer: I’m really grateful for my previous relationship and everything it brought me. It brought me to Chicago and allowed me to grow in many other ways. I have nothing but respect for him and our time together.

Let me backtrack a bit. If you asked me two years before where I saw myself, I would say, probably engaged, and probably doing Bun Undone full-time. While that sounds like an “ideal scenario” I can honestly say, damn, I’m so happy with where I landed instead. The amount of change I experienced this year has brought in more fearless independence, confidence, self-worth, and self-love I could ever imagine. When you allow yourself to properly heal, feeling all of the emotions, focusing on yourself, and surrounding yourself with positivity, it’s amazing what transformation you can experience.

Last November – January I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn’t growing, I wasn’t in a relationship that was allowing me to grow and expand, and I just knew in my heart it wasn’t right anymore. Despite all of our intersection with our apartment and dog, I felt like I couldn’t breathe in our own home, let alone create. I was also working part-time for a local brand at this time (I always have side hustles to fuel the hustle :)) out of an office. I found myself spending A LOT of time away from home on purpose. Lots of time with friends, events, workout classes, etc. My me-time was becoming more sacred to me than ever. This is when self-care really started to become an apparent and critical part of my wellness-filled lifestyle. I think my ex actually thought I was just being negligent of our dog/relationship because he didn’t really understand, but taking that time for myself was the best thing I’ve ever done. That’s why I continue that practice today with no guilt, ever.

When I was really struggling the most, it was simply because I was confused. I felt like I was living a double life. Pretending everything was fine when I was at home so it wouldn’t all fall apart at the seams. Honestly, I just wanted clarity and guidance so I could move on in either direction and live life authentically. I pride myself on being honest and it was really really hard to hide how I truly felt. I ended up meeting Cindy, Revealing Soul, at The Space Between in December, before leaving for a trip in Florida. When I returned, she was at the studio again doing aura photos at another event. She validated that I was overthinking in my heart and the white in my photo was angels. My grandparents came through and told her they wanted to help me. It was then that I booked a session and believed this channeling process could really work for me. Without getting into too many personal details, the guidance validated all of my concerns and gave me peace that everything would be okay once it happened. We also delved a lot into my career. Despite the heavy topics, I felt so much lighter when I left. She also told me signs my grandparents would give me (like coins) and I swear I am SO aware now. I always feel so supported and guided by my passed love ones. I felt way more deeply connected to myself and my roots with more comfort in the unknown future, rather than fear.

When we broke up, I was trying to approach this whole new chapter as a new lease on life. A part of me always wanted to live alone and thought I would never have the chance. I was definitely nervous and knew I would be lonely, but I felt as though I had so much to prove of myself. I was so excited to have my own space, my own SANCTUARY where I could eat, sleep, create, and LIVE completely on my own terms. How refreshing and free is that? This is when I started to really dive into quotes and astrology more. Doing these daily practices of just reading quotes or even poetry made it feel like someone else’s voice was able to properly narrate my thoughts and feelings. It helped me feel less alone. It gave me hope for renewal. When I started sharing these on my story is when people definitely started to take notice of my change, although I hadn’t outwardly mentioned it yet. This is when I noticed how much power words in general have and how much sharing something that helps YOU can help others. This was definitely the first step in the direction of where my content/message is today.

In March I moved into my studio. I fell in love with the natural light, the location, and the fact that it’s all mine. I also found that the emptiness was becoming more apparent. I turned to music, workout classes, and lots of facetime/phone calls with friends and family to fill the space. I’ve never been more grateful for my friends and my Mom. Surrounding yourself with positive influences is SO important. Keep those kinds of humans in your corner, always. The scariest but also the best part of the loneliness? I had NEVER felt that before. I’m someone that to a degree, always had a boyfriend, and I knew that embracing the alone time would lead to ALL of the self-love, which would ultimately lead me to the right person. I spent several months single, finding that dating apps just didn’t feel right even after a few months. I was really happy with myself for not clinging to this idea of partnerships that felt natural for me. This time (about 7 months) was SO needed. During this time – continuing now, I LIVED. I went out. I went to concerts. I cooked a lot. Danced even more. I started believing and trusting my intuition more. Diving into more spiritual practices, like manifesting, pulling cards, writing intentions every month and new moon. I meditated. I worked out a lot – but because I enjoy the energy of others. I set boundaries. I both failed and succeeded. I said no. I removed anything toxic from my life. I shed those layers and I feel like a lighter version of myself has emerged.

There are always difficult years or periods in our life, and the mindset in which we approach them can create the most powerful shifts. There is a reason I post vulnerable quotes – whether written by me or not. It’s because it’s what I needed to hear that day. If I need to hear it, I know someone else does too. I use those words to spin any negative or anxious emotion I have into a more positive outcome. It makes more sense to the madness, and I can visualize and see the light.

Here are the main things I’ve learned over this year that have helped shape change into personal growth. It’s time to take charge of this season and step into your power:

Eliminate Negative Energy

Whether it’s on your Instagram feed, in your home, or in your real-life relationships, be okay letting go. Become aware of what is no longer serving you, is cluttering your life – mental space or physical space. If it’s holding you back or not allowing you to be your best, most positive self, it’s important to recognize and eliminate. Unfollowing or muting on social media has SO much power. If it’s more of a real-life friendship, those conversations are much harder, but you are respecting yourself SO much by having those tough interactions and protecting yourself with those boundaries.

Set Boundaries

To the same degree, it’s important to know when to say no. In this period, I finally felt like I could do things because I wanted to. If something doesn’t feel right, you’re in no obligation to say yes or no. Friends and family always understand if you’re open and honest.

Embrace all of the emotions

FEEL IT ALL! About a month after the “yay, new chapter” period hit me, I felt SO lonely. I called my mom crying worried that I’d never shake that feeling. Even before my relationship, I always had roommates or lived at home. Living alone was SO new. While it had its perks, it was also pretty terrifying. I also started feeling a full range of emotions. I cried when I got emails from dream brands. Or travel opportunities. I’ve cried just out of straight pride for my growth. The nights I get really emotional, I don’t stop myself. I found that if I release it all that night, it doesn’t really linger onto the next day. Tears are a way of celebrating whatever stage you’re in. I also have used this time to journal, writing letters to myself has become one of my favorite things to do. I also love (shocker) looking up quotes on Instagram or Pinterest. After feeling all of the emotions, or sometimes even in the middle of it, I have a few go-to’s on speed dial. Talking it out with a friend who is unbiased and just roots for your happiness is incredibly calming. there is no sense of judgment, they just bring you back down to earth and reassure you everything will be okay. Sure enough, it always is.

Reflect

Instead of negatively dwelling, “Why is this happening to me?” I think, “what is this teaching me?” I use the hours following a stressful situation to think through what I’ve learned. That’s when I do my best writing for Instagram or the mindfulness-related Bun Down Run Down weekly newsletter. I’m always reminded that these situations are not only happening to me, and the effect so many others. My main goal is that my story will resonate, and it will spark some new mindful, positive light on whatever you’re going through. I want to remind you that I’m always here and you’re not alone. You all help me feel supported every single day.

Fill the space

When you do feel lonely, there are ways to create a more comfortable environment. Music has been the biggest gamechanger for me. I’ve always loved it, but I actually didn’t have the power over the music in my last apartment because we shared a Spotify account. Don’t get me wrong, I love Drake, but I need some pop music and Gryffin, Chelsea Cutler and my other favorites, too. Dancing around in the kitchen is seriously my favorite. Podcasts and Mindfulness practices like guided meditation are also great, calming, and informative voices in your ear. I’ve also been having friends come over more often. There’s nothing I love more than a Bachelor Monday with Hu Kitchen and the girls.

Belief

Find something to believe in- for me that’s become fun little mental escapes like astrology, tarot cards or my oracle cards I pull a few times a week. After seeing Cindy, I acknowledge all of the signs around me (angel numbers 222, 333, 444, etc.) and it reminds me that I’m always supported and not alone. I swear, when you start believing in signs, they start to pop-up EVERYWHERE! After months of hard work but very little to show for it, my new debit card came in the mail. It has the numbers 4444. This means that all of your hard work is paying off. Yep, I cried about this, haha!

Trust yourself

You are your biggest advocate, and you are capable of anything and everything you set your mind to. Don’t forget the power your mind has over everything else in your life. When I felt financial woes with all of my solo-life expenses and entrepreneurial lifestyle, I’m not sure anyone outside of myself would’ve understood what my gut and heart were saying. I knew the hard work I was doing was worth every second, even if it wasn’t apparent at the time. I didn’t give up. I made sacrifices to make it work and it’s proven to be worth it 10x over. I actually pulled the same card over and over during this time that said, “Do what lights you up.” Telling me to continue on my path and that it’s divinely guided. While external guidance can be helpful, your own gut and intuition always leads the way. Trust your path.

Manifest and Set Intentions

Setting pen to paper is SO powerful, and manifesting is even more powerful than just goal setting. Manifesting allows you to say I AM or I WILL instead of I WANT or I HOPE. You are giving yourself all of the credit and confidence you deserve upfront. You are visualizing and believing it’s going to happen. My friends and I always joke that we want G-Wagon cars – and so we say “I AM A G-WAGON” but honestly, it’s true. I set intentions every month and started doing a new moon ritual my friend Katie taught me. When I write those down, I write in those I AM type of statements. I can’t deny it, they’ve been coming true. I manifest for things like security, love, and ideas for business growth. Enter Self-Care Society ;). Literally an idea that just came to me one night.

Recenter your passions. Start that passion project!

Remember that thing you always wanted to do, but you keep putting it off? Now is the best time to do it. This is the season in your life where you’re not only allowed to be selfish, but you’re supposed to be! Put yourself first and get to work. I promise, when it’s something you love, it doesn’t feel like work in the slightest, it’ll give you butterflies, you won’t want to stop, and you’ll miss it when you (finally) call it a night.

Remember there is no set timeline for anything

You’re on your own path for a reason. Stick to it and try to avoid comparison as much as you can. It would be easy for me to focus on others’ weddings/babies/etc. and think I’m behind. Guess what? I’m not behind. I am crushing my own life and aligning in so many ways for a reason. I seriously believe I’ve needed this season in my life to gain independence, stability, self-love, self-worth, growth, and pride I was meant to experience in this lifetime. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and you are too. Remember that.

Celebrate the support system in your life

Take note of those around you and thank them. While you’ve overcome a lot of change on your own, even just knowing you had people who love you unconditionally helped get you through any ounce of change, fear or doubt. Giving them love back, spreading kindness, and joy puts more positivity out there to go around. I’m so grateful for how much this period has deepened my relationship with not just myself, but with relatives and best friends, old and new.

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Change doesn’t have to be scary. Instead of being a fearful walk toward your new fate, it can be a season where you bloom and transform into the person you were always meant to be. Embrace this journey. Feel it all. Love yourself through it. I’m proud of you, I love you, and I hope my story continues to help yours.

Photos by Paige Babilla