Every year I sit down to write this post, but this year feels especially different and especially special. I always wondered how I would feel when I turned 30. How my mind would shift. How I’d learn to speak my truth, live my truth, and embody myself. Everyone always says when you turn 30 you seem to stop giving a f*ck about what others think of you. The little things don’t matter. You start living for yourself after spending years navigating and learning who you are and what means most to you. And I can say with 100% certainty, that I feel that shift and have felt it gradually over the last year more than ever.
I’ve always been someone that has struggled with anxiety and self-doubt. And, as someone who cares deeply for others and loves to please others, I’ve always worried about what others think of me. And truthfully, this isn’t to say that I don’t still feel that way, but if we’re being honest, I care what I THINK OF ME more than anyone else. And that, feels like a beautiful and powerful shift.
So, what changed? I found reasons to be proud of myself. I’ve put myself out there. I’ve learned what it feels like to be fully accepted and have allowed the feeling of acceptance to sink in. I’ve always worked on self-love and the idea of loving myself, but this year I actually believe it.
Over the past few years and the relationships I’ve been in, I lost a bit of myself. I dimmed my light to appease others, and in turn lost access to certain puzzle pieces that made me whole out of fear of rejection or failure. And even though I wasn’t fully embodying parts of myself in those relationships, they still “failed.” And that’s when I learned — Why not be 100% yourself so that people you’re with can love and embrace and accept every part of you, just as you are? But before I got to that place myself, I had to heal. I had to do alllll the self-work and therapy and allow every feeling and limiting belief to come up and release.
Of course, I didn’t recognize that I was doing this in the relationship until I was out of it and able to see it clearly. I craved this feeling of acceptance that I had never experienced fully. And truthfully, when I went to film Cosmic Love, I felt accepted in a group environment more than I ever had in my life. When I tell you the soul connections I had with my fellow cast members, I instantly felt seen, heard, and comfortable (despite how abnormal this environment was!). When we were disconnected from our phones and day-to-day lives, we were able to get to know each other on such a deep level, really quickly. I felt understood and I never felt judged. We had no pressure from the outside world or external comparisons/judgments. All we had was ourselves, and my mantra going in was, “If I’m completely myself, there is nothing I can doubt.” So I allowed myself to embrace the experience fully as my authentic self, and I immediately felt rewarded by the friendships/relationships I made during that time.
Another notable thing was how in past relationships (and even past chapters), a lot of what I had dimmed was my fun and adventurous side. I shamed myself for my more “party-filled” chapters in college instead of owning them as a part of me, even if it was a time in my life when I Ifelt more lost.I It felt like an on-and-off switch and I wasn’t able to show that side of myself even a little without feeling shameful as these false narratives were stuck in my mind. So instead of finding a balance, I was mainly stuck in this super routine/regimented lifestyle — which allowed me to feel great in terms of physical health, but not as much mentally, as it wasn’t me being my truest self. In reality (in addition to those things), I love being social, dancing, traveling, and straying from routine once and a while to face adventure, try new things, and experience change. Change doesn’t scare me, I crave it, and it excites me.
During my time on the show, I took a leap (for myself) into the unknown of this crazy first-ever experiment, and when I tell you my fun side shined, it made me remember why that part of me exists to begin with. I felt like me again. I grew so much during the experience. I learned what energy serves me, what it feels like to be accepted, and even more so, what it feels like to fully embrace ALL parts of myself, and then accept myself fully.
It’s taken a lot of work and hasn’t been easy to get to this point, but I’m crying as I write this, because I am truly so proud of my non-linear journey. Sure, on paper I’m not necessarily “where I thought I’d be” at 30, but that doesn’t matter, because I am 100% certain that I am exactly where I need to be.
I hope all of this, and what’s written below, provides some great advice and even inspiration for you. Thank you for being here with me and playing such a huge role in me finding myself all over again. xo
30 THINGS I LEARNED BY 30:
- There’s no such thing as being too much for the right person. Let others see you as you truly are and love you for it
- Taking care of yourself is truly about taking care of how you FEEL. It’s not about how it looks (meaning your physical body, our how it looks aesthetically online).
- If you feel stuck, that is NORMAL. These feelings go in waves. Ride it out and don’t punish yourself for it. You’re not alone.
- Taking care of your mental health is priceless, and therapy is life-changing. Find a therapist who doesn’t just listen, but actively gives you tools to do the work on your own. Then take the time to do it — trust me <3.
- Wellness is not black and white. You don’t have to be regimented 100% of the time. Wellness includes doing all of the little things that make you happy and make you feel good — holistically. Don’t restrict your diet or your social life if it’s not what you want. Life is worth living and that includes indulging in whatever ways bring you joy! You can drink the green juice and the margs without guilt. That’s what balance looks like!
- Don’t underestimate the power of a good walk outside. Nature, sunshine, fresh air, and movement get the blood + ideas flowing
- At this age, everyone I know is in a different place with friendships. Some grow apart. Some are in different life chapters. Finding friends who fulfill your needs is hard. Prioritize staying in touch with the good people who support you always – even if from afar. Find that feeling of acceptance I mentioned above and don’t settle for less in any relationships.
- Speaking of, true friends will always understand you, your boundaries, and your hard truths. In all adult relationships, communication is key. Feeling like you disappoint a friend is the WORST but owning up to your mistakes and openly talking through it proves how strong and solid the friendship is. Don’t be scared of speaking up and stating your truth/needs.
- Take time to schedule in conversations and quality time with family. Hug them and love them hard. It is so important.
- Rejection happens a lot more than I’d hoped. And it really sucks at first, but in the long term it’s a beautiful thing. Even though the quote “rejection is redirection” is maybe overused, it’s TRUE. The amount of times I’ve cried over something not working out (usually romantically) and then understood the reason later is astounding. It always makes sense and it’s always to make room for something better. Trust the timing and keep your head up. Continuing that…you won’t miss what’s meant for you. My favorite mantra.
- Understanding what my ego is wanting/needing, vs. what I actually want/need has been so so helpful. If my ego is needing validation, for example, and I reach out to that person, only to not receive it, I’ll feel worse. Understanding your needs and being able to internally validate yourself helps in all aspects of life, and is a lesson in therapy I continue to dive deeper into.
- Travel and experiences/adventures are always worth saying yes to. In those scary leaps, you grow in ways you’ve never expected and create absolutely priceless memories.If opportunities come up – seize them rather than be scared of them!
- There is no reason to feel shame for aspects of your past that brought you here. Surround yourself with people who allow you to feel safe and secure exactly as you are. All parts of you – past, present, future – deserve to be celebrated.
- It’s never too late to try something new. AND, you don’t have to be good at something to enjoy it. Starting tennis lessons and starting a sport as an adult is definitely humbling, but it’s one of my favorite things I’ve done for myself! It’s so fun to move in a new way and to track and celerbate progress.
- Never underestimate the power of a good closet purge. Decluttering and cleansing your space is so therapeutic and a great release!
- Never be afraid to ask for what you want. I swear, with age, I started being more direct and it honestly works! Even if someone ignores you or says no, you know you put it out there, tried, and can feel clear moving forward!
- On a similar note, know your worth and don’t settle for less. This goes for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. If it’s not something you’d say yes to on your own, don’t compromise just to please someone else. Aim high and believe in yourself and your value.
- Take time to see the bigger picture, rather than stressing about the little details. This is a reminder I’ve needed A LOT. But think about it this way: no one else who sees you or a photo of you will notice your hair out of place or any little insecurities you have. They’ll remember your energy, your spirit, your kindness. They’ll remember the impression you left. Spend time focusing more on the entire whole rather than the little pieces that are within it. The whole is everything you accomplished! Be proud of ALL of it entirely rather than nitpicking the little bits because they “could be” better. Things worked out exactly how they’re meant to. Believe that.
- Letting go and blocking someone can be the best thing you can do for your healing and mental health. Boundaries are so essential in letting go, and this is a time its extremely important to be selfish and honor your needs. Nothing has to be “permanent” either.
- Boundaries are also important for ANYONE or anything that triggers you on social media. Even if that person shares wellness tips that are “helpful,” if they trigger you somehow– remove them. It isn’t worth it and it’s okay!
- Sleep with your phone in another room (and alarm on HIGH if needed to hear). That little bit of disconnection is so impactful for winding down and getting better sleep. Reading > phone time!
- Add self-care to your space to transform your apartment/house into a home. How can you make it a grounding place to live, work, and play? How can you separate all of those spaces to make it feel safe and comforting to you during all activities? Feeling good at home is so important and plays such a huge role in how we feel each day, as our surroundings are such a big influence.
- Save money by cutting spending on simple things that add up — like coffee out, ubers, etc. Invest in good skincare (and wear spf daily!)
- Trust that you’re exactly where you are meant to be, even if it’s not where you thought you’d be. Release any expectations, especially when it comes to societal norms and don’t compare. Sometimes there are lessons we need to learn before we get to x, y and z and that journey looks different for everyone. Stay in your lane and do not judge yourself, ever :).
- Spending five minutes each day to check in on yourself can make a significant impact, and change the tone for the entire day. Start each day with gratitude and time for just YOU before you check in with everyone else/with your work.
- Move your body in ways that feel good for you and fun for you. Working out should feel enjoyable! Find whatever movement that is for you and stick to it!
- Flow > force. Don’t force anything that isn’t feeling right for you. Rest if your body needs it. Take a pause if your body needs it. Take space to be present if you’re in a creative rut. That is honoring yourself and THAT is self-care
- If you always show up as yourself, you have absolutely nothing to doubt. Don’t overthink or sweat the small stuff when you showed up exactly as you are, and that is more than enough. Adulting is hard! Give yourself grace for doing your best.
- Tell your younger self you love her. Tell your present self you’re proud of her. Tell your future self you can’t wait to find out what’s next for her. Connect with all parts of you and know how truly powerful it is to be present and connected to yourself.
- Learn to embrace the unknown and welcome it with open arms, rather than fear it. How exciting is it to be in a chapter with all of these things to come that you haven’t even met yet?
Cheers to the next 30! Love you all.
